For many reasons, I cannot get myself to blog as much. I love to write, but that writing bug inside of me went on vacation for a while. Amanda V., thank you for inspiring me to keep going.
The last two months.
My last blog was, to say the least, sad. I can honestly say that I am feeling much better about things.
March brought some ups and downs for us. Aaron got laid off and became a stay-at-home dad, but not before I lent him to Bend to spend some time with family and help out his brother. He got laid off right before Spring Break, which was actually a blessing because it allowed us to spend some time together. Rebekah, Jess, and their kids came to visit us for a few days. Them visiting was the start to me feeling a bit better - family seems to be a good cure for me. We enjoyed their company so much! The kids running around, sharing meals, going to Lincoln City, it was so needed and appreciated.
Here they are at Oceanside - one of the most beautiful Oregon beaches I seen.
They left the Monday of Spring Break and Aaron and I headed to Bend the same day. We don't waste time when it comes to going to Bend to see family. While we were in Bend, we got to spend some time with both of our families. Oh man, I needed that - I mean, REALLY needed that. Being home for a week reminded me of how it feels to be normal. No bursting-in-tears days, upset rampages, or anything of the sort. I was just nice for once. Then, Sunday came.
Leaving Blazer
I'm not sure where the strength to do this came from. When I got ready to leave on Sunday, I made the decision to leave Blazer with Aaron, under the condition that my mom would watch him during the day. This meant that I was leaving my husband and Blazer in Bend for a week. I was going home...alone. Something inside of me allowed me to be okay with that. I was never away from Blazer before and I had so much anxiety on Sunday, thinking about leaving him. I trust Aaron and I trust my mother, which made it easier on me. There is something about your own mom that settles you inside, and as a mother myself now, I had to feel comfortable with where Blazer would be during the day while Aaron helped out his brother. Thank you mom, for being the kind of mom I can trust with my own son and feel sure that he will be okay with you.
I kissed Blazer on the cheek and, with deep sobs and tears running down my face, I left. I cried for about 10 minutes in the car and then went about the trip. I got home to an empty house...and it wasn't that bad. I'm not going to lie, it was nice to relax and not have the responsibility of doing anything but taking care of myself. I missed Blazer deeply and cried when we talked on skype, but it was a good break. Then the weekend came, I got to see Aaron and Blazer. Aaron needed to stay another week for his brother, so I decided to leave Blazer for another week. I KNOW! How the heck did I even have the strength for this, I have no idea. I took Monday off from work and spent an extra long weekend with them both. On Monday, it wasn't as hard to leave Blazer, but I still got teary eyed. The second week was not like the first. I thought it would be easier, but it was harder. I cried almost every night and I felt so lonely. I needed my boys back. I could not wait for Friday to get here. When it did, I made a very fast trip to Bend. The first thing I did when I got there was go to my son and hold him in my arms. This time, I knew I was going home with him and Aaron.
Aaron as a Stay-at-home Daddy
When Aaron and Blazer got to come home with me, I was relieved. It's really scary knowing our financial situation and then having Aaron get laid off. The bright side of that was Aaron being able to stay home with Blazer. Aaron has been home with Blazer for two weeks now and he does such a good job. I think my husband even knows my son a little better than I do now. After the two weeks in Bend and the two weeks so far at home, Aaron has sure gotten the hang of caring for our son. Aaron knows Blazer's cries, gets him bathed, dressed, and makes sure he takes his naps. Blazer seems to love being at home with daddy too. It's funny - when I was at home with Blazer, he would get so excited to see Aaron when Aaron got home from work; now, Blazer gets excited when I come home from work and I LOVE THAT. I take comfort in knowing that Blazer can spend all day with his daddy. Aaron is such a wonderful father and I don't just say that because he's my husband, I say that because it's the truth. I love you honey.
Blazer and Daddy - both in their sports gear.
Blazer's Updates
This is what I know about Blazer after the last two months:
(I could go on and on, so not everything is listed.)
- He is allergic to Oatmeal and Milk (still)
- He does not like peas.
- Luvs diapers fit him best.
- He LOVES Mum-mums (thank you sis)
- Sweet potatoes make him smile.
- Bananas make Blazer have funny faces!
- Singing Ernie, who we got from Goodwill, is Blazer's best friend.
- He does everything backwards (movement-wise), crawling and even walking in the walker.
- He has two bottom teeth and two more teeth cutting at the top (please Lord, make those come quickly)
- He LOVES music, favorites include 2Pac, Ben Harper, and the nursery rhyme "Twinkle Little Star"
- At his 6-month appointment he weighed 17lbs (50th Percentile) and was 27 inches tall (75th Percentile)
- He is not afraid of dogs and likes feeling how sharp Kuna's teeth are.
- He's going to have blue eyes forever, and they are beautiful.
- He really likes having Dr. Seuss books read to him.
- He can reach to be picked up and can soldier crawl!
Hard, but necessary decisions.
There are a couple of things Aaron and I really had to sit down and think about. We had to decide if bankruptcy was really something we wanted to do; whether I should give up a full-time job and move home to be with family; if finding our dogs new homes would be best for them and for us. I want anyone who reads this to know, before placing judgments, that none of these decisions were made lightly nor were they made on a whim. Aaron and I discussed every decision at length and made choices that were best for our family. In other situations or other scenarios, I'm not sure we would make the same choices, but I am sure that the choices we made are right for us. 1) We did decide to file bankruptcy. For some idiotic reason, it costs a lot to file so we are saving up for that. 2) We decided staying on the coast and keeping my full-time job in this economy was the best, even if we miss our family terribly and my depression is concerning. I'm going to see my doctor, we have changed our eating habits, and I'm going to exercise regularly to hopefully avoid having to get on medication. 3) We decided to find new homes for our dogs. They need homes with families who have more time for them and the resources to take care of them properly. We had the sad realization that we are not fit "doggy parents" right now. It's really sad to find new homes for dogs that we have had for so long. No, we did not plan on this and it breaks our hearts that we have to do it. Thanks to Linda (Shane's Mom), we were able to find the perfect home for Kuna and we see her off next weekend. Copper is in need of vet care, so we will be getting him the care he needs and a new home will be found for him. Aaron and I struggled with the decision on the dogs and it's still hard to think about it.
Kuna and Copper
Finally, a closing.
Overall, the last two months have been one up-and-down type of ride. Aaron has been very understanding of my emotions right now, which is saying a lot! Blazer grows so much each day and it's exciting to watch him learn new things. As a family, we have so many blessings. Even though we struggle from time to time, we can say that the Lord has provided us with a wonderful family. It is through HIM that we are able to hold strong during these rough times. Praise the Lord on this Easter Sunday and we give thanks for all of our blessings.
Happy Easter!
Blazer, wearing the SAME outfit his cousin Tyson wore last Easter.
Tyson Conklin on the Easter of 2010. Thanks for sharing the clothes buddy!
