My last blog was a month ago today. I wish I could say I have been super busy, but that's simply not the case. I've just been avoiding the inevitable blog post that makes me shed a few tears and realize where we truly are in our lives. No, it's not terrible but it's enough to be too much sometimes.
Blazer - Oh man, is this kid doing so well! It's come to the point where Aaron and I can read him like a book. Blazer is good about telling us what he needs and on the first or second try, Aaron or I get it right. Blazer is moving right along with his development too. He will be going in for his second set of vaccinations and he's growing like a weed! I'm not sure how much he weighs but he's an eater and man is he tall! He's 5 months old now and has almost outgrown his 6 month old jammies. His legs just go on forever! Not only is Blazer growing well but he's also getting so strong. He's got a tight death grip and he love, LOVES, standing up (with help of course). He can roll over both ways and moves pretty well on his play mat. I can't wait until he gets his Johnny Jump Up, because he is so ready to dance and hop around! Blazer, overall, has just been a joy in our lives. He is such a light that brightens the darkness, especially right now.
My growing boy.
Aaron - What a wonderful dad. He plays with Blazer and does these cute little activities with him. Aaron helps me out so much with Blazer and I feel blessed to have such an amazing husband. Honey, I love you forever.
Daddy's little "Man Cub."
THE HARD STUFF:
I had to start with the good. Well...I guess I could have saved the good for the end so I had something to smile about after the inevitable tears that will come. I'm a writer and it's something I just love to do. Lately, I've been avoiding this blog because placing my thoughts into words can be so difficult sometimes. It can be a relief but it can be a painful process as well. So, please, hang in there with me.
Let me start off by saying that thankfully no one is dying. And no, I don't believe it's the end of the world. But, it still hurts. Since before Christmas and even in the first few months after Blazer's birth, I've been battling small bouts of depression. I never, NEVER, thought I was the kind of person who would be depressed...EVER. The stupid thing is, I can't really pin-point where it comes from. I break down and cry without a reason and stupid, small things set me off. I'm not on any medication to cause any emotional side effects either. This last week, while I was battling a crying session, I finally told Aaron how I felt. He was surprised and got scared too.
This is what I can piece together from where it all started to where we are now. I believe it began before we realized Blazer was lactose intolerant. He wasn't sleeping, Aaron was working, and I had no help. It's lonely at 2, 3, and 4 a.m. with a screaming child who won't sleep for more than 45 minutes. I was a mess. Then we fixed his dairy problem and he was sleeping for longer periods. It wasn't until I went back to work in November that Blazer began sleeping through the night (which he still does). Going back to work was another ticker in my emotional bomb. It wasn't hard to leave Blazer with the sitter; I still missed him but I wasn't devastated by any means. It's the countless things at work that never get accomplished that started breaking me down. The grading, the lesson plans and just keeping up with the other
things was really getting to me. Christmas break happened and was much needed. Then, a bee-line down hill we went. So, work and now finances. It happened so fast for us. One minute we are caught up and doing fine, the next we are behind, the insurance for the baby screwed up, hospitals are sending us to collections and phone calls start coming in. When on earth did we go from coasting to full reverse?!
Ok, hold up! I know, I know. Another sad financial story, just like EVERYONE else is experiencing all over, right? Hmmm, not quite.
This would be so much easier if we had support here. It would be more bearable with some family close by. We can't even afford to see family, who all live 5 hours away. And they certainly can't afford to come see us either. Yes, we talk and the phone and they help us when they can, which we appreciate so much! We just want to be closer, to feel the hugs, warmth, and love of our family. It's just Aaron, Blazer and I. First time parents, just became a family and the support we need is just so far away. I don't really care who thinks my sob story is like another million other people's. All I care about is how it's affecting us and how much we need the support we don't have. In the last week, when everything came to a head, Aaron and I have both realized how much we really do value family and how much we need them right now. At the same time, we realize we can't just pack up and go home.
To all our family, we love you and miss you more than you know!
Aaron and I talked for a while the other night about our quality of life here. Aaron's losing his job, I don't know if I'll keep mine with budget cuts, and now we have bankruptcy to deal with. We had to ask ourselves whether or not we can do this with just us or whether or not we need to move home. It's something we have been struggling with in the last few days. Really, we can't make a decision until we figure out this employment situation we are going through.
Tiny Soapbox Moment: Honestly, I never thought that I would be jobless when I got my teaching certificate. And if Obama means what he said in his State of the Union address about educators being treated better, I would sure like to see it!
All in all, I really just needed to get that off my chest. I don't want pity or "it's like this everywhere honey" comments. I do appreciate comments from people who can be empathetic however, because I would sure like to know how someone else is dealing with all the stress in the same situation we are in. And, there is nothing more welcome than prayer. Writing (err, typing) it just takes a little off my shoulders and puts it somewhere else. Even as I dry my eyes right now, I feel better.
So, here's something happy in our lives that never ceases to make me smile even on my hardest of days and during my deepest of sobs.
I love you with all my heart little man.
When all is said and done, I have to remember...
Psalm 46
"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging."
